Well folks. It has been a blast. I really enjoyed my time as a Sailor in the Pacific Northwest, but it is time for me to pack my bags for the French Riviera or Sao Paolo, Brazil because my tickets came in twice in one afternoon.

You ask how I have come into such wealth?

Well apparently I have received an inheritance of $2.5 million Hong Kong Dollars from a distant cousin from the Republic of China valued at roughly $320,000. (You got to love cousin, Yao) Then my e-mail was randomly drawn in the “UK, You Say Rich” Power Lotto, with a grand prize of 500,000 Great Britain LB’s. (I like that. Sounds like you got fat money.)

This is the day I tell the office “what is what,” “how much I sleep under my desk when no one is around” and “how much I generally think of their musical and movie taste suck.” As I shove these e-mails in the faces my coworker and do a dance similar to the “Flava Flav” on the desk (C’mon! You watch the show), my shipmates inform me this is a scam.

“Hey buddies… No harm, no foul. Could you stop clubbing me, now?”

How could the Patron Saint of the World Wide Web do this to me? My self-worth is shot and net worth is about 10 bucks after I return this 2007 Maserati Quattroporte. Is there no justice in the land of pop-up surveys, blogs and giveaways?

After my friends stop giving me “swirlies” in the toilet, they forgave me and told me that they had once been the victims of the “prize of a lifetime” e-mails as I have. While wiping urinal cake out of my ear, I had a moment of “Zen,” and thought that it is not the internet’s fault, but society as a whole should be blamed.

We are addicts and gluttons of the Web… think about it.

It is fantasy land, built on mountains of knowledge surrounded by rivers of entertainment. With all of its gifts and the wealth of information we have amassed from it, everyone should receive the fruits of Bill Jobs labor. (I mixed it up, because I don’t want the real rich dudes looking for me.)

It is great to share. It’s human nature to give, because if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t be here to save your lives from the pits of “Forward Inferno.” Thanks, Ma for having me to save the world.

Speaking of which, my mother, bless her heart; was once an innocent. Her interaction with CPUs and Motherboards, were based solely on working towards a graduate degree. After sneaking in the kitchen for water, (Oh, I was in the 10th grade, mind you), I would see her in the den, furiously typing away at a research paper or occasionally playing a game of “Solitare.”

FFWD>>>. I’m out of the house, blazing a path for Mass Communication Glory. I’ve connected with children in India during community relations projects, I’ve told my Navy stories to orphans in Singapore.

I did it so well they understood me and probably will be relaying the story of me, “Their Hero” for generations to come. With this, why can’t I get my mother to understand that I don’t care what the “Fruitcake Lady” has to say?

She has become possessed and I don’t know if intervention is strong enough for her case. Will the overseers of the “Netdom” spare her? I love the fact my mother has me in her thoughts, but it is crazy when it is just forwards of hair brained schemes for me to get three wishes from the Gigabyte Genies.

I say that to say this. I care enough to warn the world that many of our loved ones lose their love connection through three letters. F-W-D, when everything could be saved with these three words, I-Love-You. (Sweet and simple. Word to my man Stevie.)

I think this header has caused so much discord and it is time that we bring the warmth and passion that we once had back to the net.

From heated debates over who is the greatest boxer of all-time, to telling someone close to you that you are them missing them, there is still a good on the Web. Find it in your heart and head, stop the robotic act of receive… forward… to…cc…victims’ name…SEND.  For the sake of all relationships crushed by the dreaded “Block Sender” key, e-mail with passion.

Love you, Ma. The Hot Seat is cooled.