Is it a bad thing for married couples to argue? If husband and wife disagree about parenting, finances, about how to handle the in-laws — is this a recipe for marital disaster? Not necessarily. Happy couples argue, disagree, and have conflict about many issues.

What distinguishes successful couples from unhappy ones is their ability to manage conflict well. October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. 

One powerful way to prevent domestic violence is to focus on building strong marriages and developing skills to handle disagreements well.  Successful couples know how to maintain respect, show understanding and follow guidelines to manage conflict – to be the boss of the conflict - versus allowing conflict to be the Boss of them. They know how to fight fair.

An important first step to manage conflict well is accepting that disagreements happen in the best of marriages. Each individual is wonderfully unique, with a different perspective and point of view.

These differences make us interesting and exciting – as well as frustrating and difficult for others to live with, at times.  Furthermore, Dr. John Gottman, a marriage researcher from Washington state, discovered that some recurring marital conflicts never go away!  Many couples disagree about some of the same issues in year fifteen of their marriage, as they had in year one.

If conflict is inevitable and if some marital conflicts never get resolved — how can couples keep disagreements from taking over what they value in their marriage?  An essential ingredient for doing this is being willing to communicate respect for one another. 

If conflict arises, happy couples take the time to communicate acceptance and understanding of the other’s point of view — even if they don’t agree. They maintain respect for each other — even in the midst of a disagreement.  Additionally, Dr. Gottman noted the following behaviors that predicted marital success.

When conflict arises, happy couples use a soft versus harsh ‘startup’. A soft approach by one partner includes the following: expressing a specific complaint versus blaming, using I statements versus statements that start with ‘you’, describing the problem in clear, objective terms versus judging the partner, being clear in expressing a request for behavior change, expressing appreciation, and being polite. A harsh startup sounds like: 

‘I’m cleaning up all your messes again. You never help out and I’m sick of it!’.  A soft startup sounds like: “I’m upset because I’m doing the cleaning on my own. I could really use your help; would you please vacuum?’.

Using and recognizing ‘repair efforts’ is another healthy skill Dr. Gottman observed in happy couples. When couples were in conflict, one partner made an effort to express understanding, appreciation, or use humor to repair the emotional damage that may have been caused by the disagreement. 

Couples can learn to fight fair — by maintaining mutual respect, by approaching conflict in a kinder way, and by learning ways to deescalate tension to rebuild emotional intimacy. 

During October’s Dom-estic Violence Awareness month, consider ways you can strengthen your relationship. 

The Fleet and Family Support Center offers couples communication classes to help couples build stronger marriages. 

Call 396-4115 or 1-866-854-0638 to learn about upcoming classes, or visit our website:  http://www.navylifepnw.com{{PERIOD}}